Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
