I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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