She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
