she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
