Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
