Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
