I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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