I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
These tits shall not be calmed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
