you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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