I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
