You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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