i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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