GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
