oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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