how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
