Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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