Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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