I could make wine with my vomit
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
