why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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