found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
