Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
