My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
