just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
