I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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