He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we're making bets on your personal life
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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