They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
