And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.