I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning