Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
