I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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