If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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