Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
