.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He? As in you personified your dick?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
