I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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