My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
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slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
sex in a hospital.. check
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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