I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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