Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize