Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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