I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
