And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
