i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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