rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
