Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars