Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This house was built for laser tag.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
