I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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