theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
