In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
