She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
