All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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