Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
