I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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