Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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