My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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