she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
