dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
