I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
