You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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