Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
