help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to cum in my sink.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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